Teleophobia 

Or fear of definite plans. I read that people whom suffer from this fear commitment as well. I guess I can see that. Also the bit about feeling like my freedom is being taken because I’m forced to go by someone else’s plan. I can totally relate! 

Heavy conversations 

I’ve come to find out that “I statements” really do work. What is it about the placement of words that can abruptly change the meaning of something?Communication and linguistics is so fascinating! How something as tiny as a meta message can completely change the feel of a conversation and even over all chemistry in some cases. 

Wanna talk to your beau? 

Focus on you and how you felt during the incident. 

No one can make you feel any such way so …just focus on how you feel and what you reacting to. For example “I feel unloved when you won’t hold my hand.”

This takes the focus off them and reminds them they have an effect on others. We all have so much power!

 More than we know.

We give it to each other all the time.

 I’m hopeful that love will always prevail.

Cloudy mind

I’ve lost so much to drugs. I’m starting to believe. I truly am powerless over my addiction. I fell off the wagon. Getting back on wasn’t an issue. It’s staying on that’s hard. Especially when I have nothing to numb my pain. Thoughts… Memories of past mistakes torment me. I can’t go back. Everyone is expecting that.

Good bye

I don’t do well with good bye. That fear of abandonment at my core tortures me. Pick up my phone and instinctually start writing a text to him then realizing I shouldn’t send it. The sadness that comes over me… So overbearing I can hardly see the screen through the tears. 

If he cared he would have text me by now. I refuse to reach out. It’s always my hand reaching out. Not this time. I know he’s going through things… If he wanted me in his life I would be. I have to keep telling myself not to contact him. No contact is fucking hard for me. I miss him dearly. I hope he’s thinking of me too. I hope he continues to do so for years as I’m sure he will hold a part of my heart for years to come. Letting go isn’t my forte. I need to learn.

Dragged Exposed too soon

My family try to drag me out of bed. Saying sunshine will be good for me. I suppose they’re right on some level but what good is it as I sit chain smoking . 

I can’t pretend I’m ok right now because I’m not. I can’t pretend I want to be here because I really don’t want to be here. There comes a time (I’m sure) in most people’s lives when they are too sad or upset to do anything. Today is the worst of it tomorrow I return to trying to resume “life”. Today… I’m just exhausted in every way. I truly wish I can put on a smile and act like everything is peachy but I just don’t have the energy to try today. I’m grieving my loss today I’m getting this hurt out of me. I’m literally giving today the finger and saying fuck off leave me be today. And that is ok. Because I have a goal. I’m getting past this one way or another. Today is my cry day. Purging out as much of this pain as I can. I heard somewhere that with every cry you get closer to recovery. I hope that’s the case here. I don’t want to hurt anymore. 

Involuntary sea of tears

Everyone grieves differently…

I have never felt this knot in my chest and throat so tight it’s hard to breathe.

Have never felt so much pain inside that I literally can’t move.

Burst into involuntary tears more times these past few days than I ever have in … Ever. 

First time crying uncontrollably on a train. Thank you sunglasses.

I haven’t slept. I have no desire to eat. 

Grief is plaguing me. I just want to feel alive again. I don’t want to miss my life.  I want to be living it. I don’t want to love anyone anymore. Just for now.

The pain is unbearable. 

Fuck you mind of mine for making my emotions so unbearable. 

Bpd is no joke I feel like I’m being skinned alive while watching all my loved ones leave me. 

I suppose the only way out is through. 

Hope I make it