Recovering Master manipulator

Have I ever been manipulative?YES. Very much so… I have memories of me doing it as young as five. Black mailing my older sister (6 years my senior) to be nice to me or I will make up stories to my mom about her. Mom always believed me. I was her “good girl” unfortunately never “good” enough to warrant her unconditional love affection and attention. But I’ve begun to let that go and surrender to the idea that she did the very best she could for her situation and mental state at the time. I suspect mom suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder so I’ve forgiven her although I’m still working through the negative programming within me. Which is really tough and will be a long painful process with successes and drawbacks. Failures are better than not having tried at all is something I have to tell myself every day. 

So I’ve committed to no longer using manipulation to get what I want. Having BPD makes this really hard but I know I can do it. Everything I write is truly how I feel inside but no matter what I do my past seems to follow me . Will I always be seen as manipulative? Even when I’m trying to be forthcoming?  This is so frustrating !!!!!😡😡😡😡

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