Self inflicted Jealous Rage 

Snoop and you shall find. Guys are careless sometimes . I mean I suppose it’s not common sense that you aren’t supposed to continue to talk to whores you’ve slept with much less compliment them on social media saying they’re hot.  And especially block me and follow them. Even before you blocked me you didn’t follow me. I know this sounds stupid and immature but all the attention that you gave via Internet to all these other women (whom you claim are your friends which is fine it would make me feel worlds better if I knew them) drove me insane I can’t stand the thought. Even Valentine’s Day …. You said happy valentines days to someone else. There are NO pictures of us together anywhere on any of your social media accounts. Hardly any mention of me at all. Yet these other woman got to have the you that I fell for…. Sweet, witty, compassionate, fun…. What happened?…. I’m at a loss I don’t know how we got here.  Where did we go wrong? One thing I do know … These discrepancies and what I perceived to be  secretive demeanor are the culprit in the majority of our fights. I never trusted you completely. I always felt you were hiding something from me but I could never pin point what. Boy did I try though. Drove myself crazy. I wanted your attention. I wanted dignity which I lost when we spent so long together and I was never fit to meet your family. I wanted attention that you gave other women. I wanted the compassion you frequently gave to the community. Mutuality…..sharing….I wanted to feel like I mattered to you. Perhaps at the time that was an impossible thing. I had to matter to myself first. I would say therapy most definitely is helping me get there I just can’t help but wish you hadn’t given up.  As usual I’m longing. This entire relationship I’ve been longing. For you to love me. I want to have my place in your life . Join you not you leave your life to be with me….I want you to let me in  because you haven’t in a very long time. I was put in a predicament where I had to beg you to talk to me. I wish you wanted to. This has really fucked my self esteem but no worries my heart is yours regardless and I will always have room for forgiveness. We need to work on this. I’m looking to get into dialectal behavioral therapy which I’m supposed to have a support person for…. My hope is one of these days you will give it a try. 

You won’t regret it.  

 

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