The opportunity to do what I say and say what I mean. Addicts plea.

All (or most) of us in the fellowship know what it’s like to genuinely feel such guilt, remorse, and shame for what we’ve done and the lies we lived which not only hurt those we love most but in turn hurt us more when we were left on our knees ….on our own. With no one but kind strangers to hear our challenges and victories. I try to tell myself this is my new family but I can’t help but miss him. See I once had a man who believed in me. Defended me when all spoke doubtfully of my intentions. Got up early responsible was a provider and unbelievably great step father to my rambunctious girls. He was yin and I was yang somehow we lost our way. I lost my way. Balance wasn’t something we were able to achieve on our own. Communication is so difficult when all you want is to understand yet be understood. Both Fighting to be heard so no one was listening…. So I thought. We fought a passive aggressive war. Turned out I was the only one fighting …. He was desperately trying to keep me afloat. He loved me more than I could ever understand. I never knew that kind of love until now. He will always carry a part of my  heart with him even if he disappears. He inspires me. He was the best teacher. Greatest lover. Just all around the most wonderful human being I’ve ever had the privilege of sharing my life with. I fucked up so bad I can’t even find the words…. How do you apologize for breaking someone’s heart and betraying their trust more than once? I lost my mind I have no clue how I could have made such a stupid destructive mistake more than once…. Regardless of why or how one thing is for sure. Loss and heartbreak has taught me to appreciate everything even if it’s just the opportunity to know someone. There isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t wish I could open my front door and see him on his laptop same spot as always …. Only thing I’d change is …I  choose to be present in our love story. I want to show him the me and the love he’s deserved to know and enjoy for the past two years of our lives together.The opportunity to give back what he gave me. I’m sorry I wasn’t able when he needed me. I don’t deserve him but should we end up together I’ll do anything to make it work. For now I’ll love him from afar and hope it all works for the best. I am thankful for you.

 

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