Silence

Can bring inner peace and understanding if you are blessed enough to know how to get there. Unfortunately I am still figuring this one out. I’ve read that those who throughly enjoy silence are characterized as “introverted”. I think introversion should be more like …. Look don’t fucking judge because we don’t want to go to an obnoxiously loud venue to wait in line for my 15 dollar sulfite ridden drug store wine all while awkwardly engaging in mindless small talk with a complete stranger who’s pretending to care about what I do and where I live. I struggle with this I’m not even going to pretend this is something that comes naturally to me. I get through just fine but i can’t help but be me. I don’t care what you do, how much you make or where you live (the man I love had a closet like back house / room that I will forever treasure in my heart despite the fact it had no restroom… Let’s just say I Perfected my aim). Money, prestige, fame, popularity, and power are things I craved as a child. I thought this would make me happy. I’ve had all those things yet I was still “a bottomless pit of need”. Turns out I never really want what I really need nor could I see potential right in bloody front of me. I’ve loved more than my heart can bear and grieved so intensely I couldn’t breathe much less walk or reason. Love addiction kills … I was almost taken by this excruciatingly painful disease . As I am also suffering  

from manic depressive episodes every time I’m not being heard, seen, cared for, or when people just plain disregard me. As if I never existed. Silence is good when it isn’t hurting anyone. Then you can say you’re focusing on you. Silence as another suffers every minute of everyday in attempt to live with the emotional anguish all while wondering if they ever meant anything to you at all because the rug was pulled out from under me….. That is abandonment. Leaving without a real “talk” is breeding ground for inner turmoil. It can leave one questioning not only their Perceptions, cognitions concerning the romance that we fought to keep, not to mention questioning the one that kills more  than all… Self worth. This is something I’ve struggled with all my life so I must say this love of mine wasn’t fully to blame it was all me and this debilitating self critical mind I’ve been conditioned to have .  My negative overly critical thoughts and silence are what kept me sick. I had a cesspool of insults seared into my brain and a heart as guarded as Obama.  Perhaps that was the issue.  I lived in fear and it controlled my life. Fear will keep you miserable. Connection is the only way through. 
I’m ready to face my fears. Uncomfortable as fuck. Scared to death. All while fighting off the disorientation of heart ache. Change is scary but staying sick and miserable is so much worse. I’m tired of being disappointed. I’m letting go and living life. I have nothing left to lose. 

hollywood bat shit crazy lady who misses your touch.

  

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