Can you keep me? The all too familiar pain.

Just tell me how I can be better.

I don’t know how many times those words rendered from my quivering lips. Involuntary weeping to follow and emotional pain so intense I would have rather been  physically beaten to the brink of expiration than be left behind and presumably forgotten or even worse…. Replaced. This possibility would confirm the suspicion i had from the start of most of my romance fantasy filled “relationships” I had a feeling he was much too good for me. Didn’t matter who he was or what he did. He was too good for me. I spent life in hiding. I hid who I was because somehow I felt that if I allowed him to see who I really was he may not be interested anymore. I became the mastethr chameleon. Anything my guys wanted I did everything I possibly could to become. All meanwhile I fell deeper and deeper within the labyrinth inside my head until who I believed I was became an illusion of all the lies I actually managed to lie so much I had begun to believe them. I had no clue who I was anymore. My sole purpose in life was to make the men in my life happy.    There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do… I had no idea how dangerous that game was….

All I wanted was love I couldn’t understand why no one would stay.

Come to find out low self esteem affects attractive people too. You could be the most gorgeous person in the world low self esteem will  kill your love life too. Only difference is we go through higher number of break ups and disappointments than the average person which is a whole other (equally painful)  level of fucked that I will cover later

Moral of the story.

if you are waiting for someone to love you the right way, say the right things ,be the love you’ve always dreamed of …. More power to you I hope you find it but why you are waiting is the absolute most important question you must ask yourself. Be honest. Your heart is on the line. Are you waiting because your life was happy and fulfilled until you felt the need for a companion to share it with ? Or are you like I once was and still am sometimes… Never known what it’s like to be happy and fulfilled and you’re hoping love will bring that to you.

Love yourself and the good ones will come.


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